I have found over time that writing out my feelings or experiences immediately can be very cathartic. In searching through my document files today in search of a file for work, I found a note I had written for myself. Not something for me to do or be encouraged by, more that I wrote it for myself at that moment, just to vent some of the emotions of the time.
There were actually several dated notes for myself in this document, but the last one caught my eye today, for some reason. This isn’t a pleasant memory for me, but I thought it was worth sharing.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Only on a day like today would I have text conversations with so few words but so much meaning with absolutely no explanation.
Me: Moose, I keep tearing up thinking of…well, you know of what
Moose: I’m so depressed and sick to my stomach. Pretty much everyone here at work is, too.
M: I don’t know how I’m going to hold myself together for my client. Today isn’t going to be a good day.
Moose: I know. I’m so morose.
M: I wish I had comforting words for you, but, at this point, I don’t.
Moose: Same for you. Other than I’ll always be your friend…even in the concentration camp.
M: Dark humor. Lol I like it. I’ll always be here for you, too.
Moose: Ba dum tssh. I’ll be here all week.
Me: I’m so scared by this.
L: L we will endure
M: Somehow, yes.
L: Again (hugs)
M: (hugs back)
For those of you who don’t recognize the date, it was the day of the election results in the US. It was the day that all the horrors of the previous night became a reality, and Donald Trump was announced to be the next POTUS.
I was afraid, that day. Deathly afraid of what was in store for all of us. I was feeling shock, fear, grief, anger, a whole range of negative emotions that I couldn’t sort through in a moment.
Now, obviously I was not a Trump supporter. I still don’t understand how he was elected into office, and I hate the way that his administration has turned our politics into more of a circus side show than actual political advancement. Oftentimes, the very mention of his name fills me with anxiety and nausea. That being said, he is still our president (for now), so I will respect the office, even if I have a hard time respecting the man.
That struggle, that tear between my values and ideals and the reality of the man who was elected is what comes to mind when looking back at that note to myself. And in some ways, I think I’m still trying to process it, six months later.
I think I’m still sorting through my emotions and reactions, like many people. But reading what I was thinking and feeling at the moment of impact shows me how far I’ve come. I’m getting better, I have more focus. I can only hope that, whatever new scandal comes from the White House, whatever threat of war and death emerges from international politics, whatever is in store for the world, my generation and I are strong enough to change it for the better.