Where have I been? Again I’ve disappeared from the cyber world into the chaos of daily life while you have faithfully posted (every day of April, I might add). You posted recently about procrastinating and being a procrastinator. You certainly do not procrastinate about the blog. This blog is a stress relief for you. I, on the other hand, have been living out of my car for two months and did not feel like I had the mental space to sit down and write or think anything worth reading.
Thus, I procrastinated writing for this blog. I am a world famous procrastinator, a better one than you, I dare say. Do you remember the time I turned in my final paper for our Shakespeare course AFTER the semester had ended? My beloved Shakespeare professor might have said some choice words about my idiocy. Did I have a good excuse? Most definitely not. My excuse was my, ahem, need to watch copious amounts of anime. I think I was watching Death Note, which is, admittedly, one of my better anime choices. Still, it was not worth making everyone pull their hair out while I finished my paper off campus in a coffee shop (because I had already moved out of the dorm…yeah, that late.).
We procrastinate because some things are stressful, and we don’t like to think about stressful things. I was stressed out by school and the prospect of writing a paper. I also felt a little depressed that semester due to some personal events. So there is that. Maybe procrastination is a flaw in my character. Or maybe I become overwhelmed by certain kinds of stress, and this makes it more difficult mentally/emotionally to complete tasks. I think both are true. I hope that I will become better with time at finishing stressful tasks without overloading my mind. Finding peace in the midst of chaos is a difficult mystery to solve. For instance, this last week when you reminded me to post my blog, I appreciated the reminder because it showed that you care, but I also simply did not have the capacity to post. I will explain why another time. For kicks and giggles, I am sharing a link that reminds me of my last week: https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fmyjesusjam%2Fvideos%2F1891530351067950%2F&show_text=0&width=400
Both you and I have been procrastinating applying for jobs and thinking about careers. You mentioned in a previous letter that you think we make our careers too eminent to our identities, which of course makes us question our identity if we don’t have our career figured out. I totally get that. When I was in college, I felt like I had to have my career nailed down. I pursued teaching with all my heart and was MISERABLE. At my lowest point during student teaching, I did self-harm, lied about it, and missed a class I was supposed to teach because I was in the ER. It’s easy to want to beat myself up over that stupidity, but I remember what it felt like when I was in student teaching. It was Hell. It’s pointless to blame myself now. It’s over, and I believe that I have much improved since then. I substitute taught for the next year, clinging to four years of college and a shred of hope that teaching could still be my thing. One night, I made the decision. I would not be a teacher of any kind. I was done. Through.
Then I spent four months in limbo working with adults with disabilities and caring for my grandmother. These were possibly some of the most wonderful months, a blessed reprieve and time of recovery. I felt so thankful for having family who loved me, for having a job that did not stress me out. I didn’t think about school or career. I just let me be me. And wrote copious amounts of music that someday, maybe, I will share a piece of on this blog.
These past few months I have been unemployed. I visited friends and family and enjoyed myself thoroughly, that is, until a few weeks ago. My bank account told me that it was time to really get a job, and I began stressing about not getting answers to my applications. At my lowest point, I had a mental breakdown (cue again the image of the obstacle course beating up that poor man).
Finally, now, I feel my world starting to come back together. Today I started my new job as a Home Care Aid. I had no clue what I wanted to do while I was in college, but having actual experience with teaching helped me know NOT THAT! Then helping DD adults showed me that I excelled in one-on-one work and had so much fun helping vulnerable adults. I feel much happier with my new career change. Five months ago, I was clueless and guessing. But now I’m being patient with myself and trying something new that I believe I will enjoy. There are opportunities for growth from here: either going for more medical training or for more social work training, etc. One step at a time.
Well, that’s my career journey, Wilber. You are so strong and so amazing, I have no doubt that if you take it one step at a time, you’ll find the right fit. And the right fit might be more than one job. You might have several wonderful jobs (and some not so wonderful) throughout your life. You don’t have to figure it out right away. I know you and I agreed that by the end of this month we’d have interviews. Well, no rush. You’ve got this. Just try something. If you need me, I’m here. Whatever you do, you’ll be amazing.