My Darling Dawn,
You know how much I love you and how concerned (obsessed? interested? invested?) I am with you being in a relationship with someone who can be your partner, in all things. I haven’t met Leg yet, but everything that I have seen and heard so far is giving me hope.
He isn’t perfect–no one is–but he is supporting you. And the best part? He’s challenging you, too. And challenging you in a good way, in a way that expands your perspective and makes you think in different ways. (You and I both know that this is important for an over-thinker like yourself.) Reading through your previous post when you’re waxing eloquent about all the mental breakdowns and drama that you and Leg have been through lately really highlighted these things. However, something else, something that I wasn’t expecting came up inside me, too.
I felt guilty.
Now, this is completely selfish of me, but you and I have known each other long enough that I feel I can come clean about this knee-jerk reaction of mine, and share why I had it.
I felt guilty, because it was the first I had heard of your struggles. I felt guilty because, good friend as I may be, I wasn’t there for you. In fact, we didn’t check in with each other at all during that week. Didn’t really text, call, or IM. What kind of friend am I that I wasn’t there for you?
Again, I know that’s a selfish take on things, and one that I have to say was completely involuntary.
I know that we are friends, even when we don’t have direct communication for an extended period of time. I know that you have my back whether I tell you what’s going wrong in my life, just as you know I’m always here for you.
But sometimes–or perhaps a little more than sometimes–I wish I could actually be there for you, be present for you. And sometimes I wish you were present for me.
Reading your post reminded me of that desire, and my guilt was the bitter-sweet kind, the kind that was sad that I couldn’t be there physically for you, even as I was glad that you’ve found someone who is present who is there to lift you up and protect you.
No, I haven’t met Leg yet, but he sounds like a keeper. An imperfect person, and not a Superman, but definitely someone who can be there for you when the other people who love you can’t be. I’d call that a winner.